Sex
And The Single Dyke
By
Circle
What can I
say, I love women. Simple as that. But in addition to loving women,
I love being involved in the lesbian community. Sure, being a
lesbian isn’t all I am, but having an active part of D.C.’s
lesbian community has been fulfilling and a lot of fun.
However, I
seem to have hit many brick walls when it comes to dating. I’ve
dated a fair share of men, and that’s not a rosy picture
either. But like every other dyke, when I first came out I thought
it would be so simple to date women, since they’re just
like me. After all, most of the problems between men and women
are universal, so cutting out the middle man (man being the operative
term) would make life easier, no?
The emphatic
answer is “no.” Don’t get me wrong, I did not
start dating women out of any hatred of men, in fact, when push
comes to shove I identify as bisexual. But I did think the dating
game between women would be at least a little easier to navigate.
Boy was I wrong.
And please
don’t think I’m trying to “attack my own”
here. I could probably write an even longer essay describing annoying
patterns in the straight dating world, but those seem to have
been covered to death; we all know that Men Are From Mars and
Women Are From Venus. However, the trials of single lesbians are
often overlooked and not fully discussed in the lesbian community.
Here are some of the patterns I’ve seen among lesbians:
-
The Lingering Ex
Staying friends after a break-up is great and healthy, it really
is. Some lesbians say that continuing to stay friends with exes
seems more natural then immediately taking someone who meant
so much to you out of your life. But continuing to live with
your ex? Not so much. Or even hanging out with her constantly
after the breakup is just unhealthy. Every psychologist under
the sun will tell you that after one leaves an intimate relationship,
you cannot truly heal and later create a friendship unless you
get some physical and mental space. Almost every lesbian I’ve
spoken to who was once involved in this type of relationship
admitted that she stayed so tightly with her ex not out of caring,
but out of co-dependency and fearing change. I think it also
stems from the fine line that is drawn between lovers and friends
in the lesbian world. While in some ways it is great to date
your best friend, it is also not healthy to rely on one person
to be so much in your life. Everyone needs more than one person
to maintain a balanced support system in life.
- The
Immediate Click
I’ve had many lesbians tell me that they know on a first
date whether or not they want to be with a person, and that you
just “click” with some people instantly and not with
others. While this is true to some extent, let’s face it,
that “click” you’re feeling on a fist date is
mainly based on physical attraction and not much else. Really
getting to know someone takes time, and many lesbians don’t
seem to want to take the time to understand someone in a way that
you can only by knowing them for a long period of time. They want
all or nothing, you need to be immediately in love and pouring
out your soul to them or they want nothing to do with you (see
the U-Haul Phenomenon below). Again, this doesn’t strike
me as healthy, since all relationships are in reality somewhere
in the middle. I’m not saying that there isn’t a soul
mate out there for everyone, but if there is and you find that
person, you probably won’t know it upon first glance.
- The
U-Haul Phenomenon
As you probably know, there is an unfortunate phenomenon in the
lesbian world of couples moving in with each other after dating
each other for as little as one month. Please see my earlier statements
about fake immediate clicks and relationships based on co-dependency
rather than love.
- The
Categories
Part of the joy of being a dyke is that we are defying society’s
standards of what is normal and making our own rules in our communities
and our relationships. So why is it that we are so quick to put
ourselves in boxes? Yes, I’m talking about the butch/femme
phenomenon. To be honest, I don’t really understand the
whole appeal of it, but to each their own. What does bug me is
how prevailing it is here. Sure not everyone is into it, but a
significant number of people I know will only date one or the
other. But doesn’t it seem superficial to basically choose
who you’re dating based on how they look? Lesbians are known
for having more lenient views than men on how much a woman should
weigh, yet when it comes to how we dress, lesbians turn around
and become shallow. The most common reason people say they’re
bisexual is because they like someone for more than what is on
the outside, since someone’s sex does not reflect their
personality. I think more lesbians should take these words to
heart and become more open-minded about what “type of woman”
they’re willing to date.
- The
Elusive Couple
Here’s one that I think happens almost as much with straight
couples as lesbian couples. It still bugs me though. Why does
being in relationship equal never leaving your house? You can
have plenty of sex and one-on-one time and still find time to
see friends once in awhile. Really, I’ve done it. Again,
please see notes on co-dependency and not relying on one person
to be your support system.
You may agree
with all or none of my points, but I just wanted to get a little
representation out there explaining why some of us single lesbians
are single. I like to think that I keep and open mind though,
so drop me a line if you agree with me or want to tell me why
I’m completely wrong, circlezzz@hotmail.com.
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