August 2002

Being a dyke in DC is some hard stuff. But then again, since I was in the closet until I came to DC, I don't have much to compare it with. So here is what being a dyke in DC means to me. Hopefully you can identify and if not, well, I hope to keep you amused for a couple of minutes.

Growing up, I had plenty of boyfriends, especially because I went to an all girls Catholic High School. I had to make it look as though I was normal. But I just didn't enjoy kissing boys. They were fine for sports and whatnot, just not on an intimate level. What I did enjoy were the girls at school! But I shrugged it off. I don't even think I knew what a lesbian was back then. I am from New York City, so by no means did I live a sheltered life. I just didn't know anyone like me: someone who thought she might enjoy being intimate with a woman more so than a guy.

I experimented in college. I can remember the first time I met a true life lesbian couple. I know what it is like to experience an epiphany. Slowly but surely, I met more and more women who were queer and I was like, "Um, Hello J-No? This is the part of you that you've been pushing away for so long!" So, I had experiences [I know you all love that term] with women. And I loved it. Not at first. At first I struggled with my religious self in thinking this was sinful and gross. Luckily, my religious self had common sense and I got over it quickly.

I came out to my friends and co-workers before I did to my family. And it worked well for me. I finally felt comfortable with the word lesbian, and knew it was time. None of my friends disowned me and none of my co-workers shunned me. In fact, the boys at work have recruited me for such things as "beaver hunts" and beer nights now. They like to think I am one of them. Except, I am not single. I also have balls. I mean, they talk a good talk but NEVER act on anything. That is one area in which we differ. Another? I am never actively looking [read: gawking] at women. That is all they think about. I don't think they can think of anything else.

Sure, I had fantasies dreamed up of how things would be once I came out [get your mind out of the gutter]: acceptance from friends and family, parades thrown in my honor, scores of women lining up at my door. Well, I had to know it was a fantasy because my father didn't react so well. My sister and even my brother were cool with it. But not my dad. He has since come around: instead of not speaking to me he now pretends I told him nothing. Until, that is, I bring my girlfriend home. Her name is KiKi (not in real life, but it's my pet name for her). I never told him that she was my partner. I mean, we've been together for almost 14 months now. And the reason for my coming out to him was to let him know that I was happy. But I figured better not tell him I live with my her just yet. He might have a heart attack or something. I figured it better to let the whole lesbian thing sink in first. I think he's since figured it out. The last time I went back to NY to visit, KiKi and I shared a bed. Innocently. My brother had come home so I could not stay in his room. And, because my father does not believe in heat [it was December and about 40 degrees outside and 30 inside], I did not want to sleep on the floor. He opened the bedroom door when he has left for work, as he always does to make sure I made the 4 hour ride safely, and saw us in the same bed [with different blankets and facing opposite one another]. He called us in the morning and made a suggestion: "How about this: Your brother sleeps in his room, I sleep downstairs, you sleep in my room and she sleeps in yours. That way we all have our own rooms!" So either he caught on or he's going to think that any friend I ever have and will bring home is my lesbian lover.

Speaking of which, this is where I get to the point of the article. Once I came out, all was fine well and good, except that whole women lining up to meet me thing never quite happened. None of my friends here are gay. What the hell was I going to do to get my love life going? I mean, I was technically a virgin, in all senses of the word. But I was no angel. I had needs and I thought it might be nice to have someone else help me for a change. I was alone, and not a part of the "community/family" so I had no clue as to where to go in DC to meet the chicks. So, I went to the only place a woman like me could turn: the internet.

Now, I was one of those people who reacted in horror when I found out that two people met through the internet. But here I was, searching profiles, going into chat rooms and instant messaging people. I met one woman, who turned out to in the long run to be a freak. She and I hung out a bit, but there was no love connection. And she gave me the name of a lesbian club; the Hung Jury. I never went with her as shortly thereafter, her freakiness showed. But I didn't let this one bad experience shun me away from the internet. I actually made a date with another woman. There were no sparks, but a friendship ensued.

Just when I decided to give up, the weirdest thing happened. I had been keeping a journal online at www.diaryland.com. I found the site through someone I was talking with online. I decided to keep my own and all of a sudden, I had people listing me as a favorite read. I had no clue how big the online journal/diary community was, or that it was a community at all. I started reading other's journals and started making friends. There happened to be one diary in particular that I read. She lived in Virginia (I had no idea how close Centerville really was) and was in the same predicament as I was: new to the DC area and had no [gay] friends. So I offered her a friendship, and it all started out innocently enough. But here we are, 14 months later. I am not going to lie; I was embarassed to tell people we met through the internet. But it's really not a big deal. Granted, it's wasn't the usual internet way, but we were fortunate to be able to read one another's most intimate thoughts and fall for each other that way. If everyone could do that, the world would be filled with a lot more couples!

As a couple, we did make it to the Hung Jury a few times, but KiKi isn't 21 [November can't get here fast enough and stop with the cradle robbing jokes] and going there got pricey. There was one other bar in Alexandria, The She Bar, that we went to but that was way too country/western for us. So we settle on a few, select straight bars and that's it. Other than reading the dyke rags from time to time, that is the extent of our connection to other dykes out there.

Our lives are sad really. We are broke. And shy for that matter. So going to events is pretty much out. And how many friends can a lesbian couple make at a gay bar, other than with those who are looking for sexual partners? Ok, that was a stereotype but seriously, even if we could, there are only a few bars on select nights that we can go to. Prior to finding dcdykes.com, my only knowledge of anything lesbian in DC was either through search engines (which only give you pornographic sites) and the City Paper (the Blade is ok, but geared more for the guys, like everything else).

It's hard to be new to a city as it is. But being a dyke and trying to find places to hang out makes it that much harder. I assumed DC would be different, being such a big city and all. Maybe we haven't been looking in the right places. But you would think that these places wouldn't be so underground, and be readily available and advertised better. I mean, after 3 years, you would think we would be able to find somewhere to go. I know not all the dykes go to those kinds of bars. But it would be nice to have that option. It's not like we NEED to hang out with other gay people. I've been doing fine with the straight crowd. But I can't help but to feel like we are missing out. I think about how excited I feel when I meet someone from my hometown. There is a common bond. I just think it would cool to meet some other DC women who are lesbians. Another common bond. Perhaps we can share tricks, recipes and information.

Oh well, I guess there are always the chat rooms...

You can e-mail J-No at jenne1017@yahoo.com and be sure to visit her web site

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