Overcoming My Embarrassment
by Gabrielle
8/14/02

For most of my life I have felt embarrassed. I have never really pinpointed a reason for feeling that way, I just knew that that feeling overwhelmed and, at times, paralyzed me. If someone objectively looked at my life, I think most people would be surprised to know I have suffered from these feelings. Only after a recent conversation with Xena did I think about exploring what exactly it means to be embarrassed.

The definition of embarrassment is the state of being embarrassed. Ok, let's look at the definition of embarrass. Embarrass means to cause to feel self-conscious or ill at ease. Well that would certainly describe how I have felt much of my life. The big question is were others making me feel this way or was I doing this to myself?

Feelings of embarrassment can be classified as a social phobia. Social phobias are defined as a persistent fear of one or more situations in which the person is exposed to possible scrutiny by others and fears that she or he may act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing. Basically, it is the fear of disapproval of others.

With this background, imagine how I felt at the time when I realized that I not only had ended a several year engagement to a man (what would people think?!?) but also had separately fallen in love with the most wonderful woman I could ever meet? I think a lot of the early stress created in my relationship with Xena was caused because of my FEAR of what others would think of the fact that I loved a woman. Family, friends, employer and co-workers would certainly ostracize me. Every emotion in my body was heightened. I felt tremendous love and joy with Xena and complete terror over the fact that I was conscious that the way the world looked at me would change.

Talk about locking yourself in the closet!! I found the biggest one I could and parked myself in the back corner of it clutching a pillow and several blankets over my head. Xena on the other hand had never hidden who she was and in fact has always been devoted and proud to be a part of our wonderful community. Unfortunately, the embarrassment that overwhelmed me as I learned more about myself and who I loved made me extremely confused and unhappy. This was new to Xena and she did all she could to help me through this difficult time. She even hid her life for those around me in order to protect my secret.

I spent my entire life trying to be what society would deem successful academically, athletically, socially, and professionally. So much of my time and energy was focused on pleasing others that I hardly knew what would please myself. I attribute my desire to please others as one of the reasons why I came out to myself so late. From the age of seven, when I first played Little League Baseball it important to note that family, friends, and society made it clear that being a lesbian would place a horrible stigma on me. I was allowed to engage in these activities but I was to know that that put me in danger of becoming classified or worse yet, actually becoming a lesbian.

So here I was, deeply and truly in love with my soul mate but hating myself for becoming what others had feared - a dyke. My inability to understand and deal with my feelings of extreme embarrassment made the next several months and even years of my relationship with Xena difficult. My feelings of embarrassment led me to believe I had become a failure. With that I began to loathe myself and make Xena's life and our life together difficult (isn't she a gem for having stayed with me through all of this!!!!!!!!!!! Soul mates do those kinds of things for each other, though let's just say I can never repay her for what she endured.)

Finally, there was a moment when I had finally hit rock bottom with these feelings. I was at an event were I could participate in a sports activity that I enjoyed and Xena wanted to join me. Instead of becoming part of the group, Xena stood away from everyone and tried to be inconspicuous. I remember looking over at her and thinking to myself "Here is this woman I love with all of my heart and I am letting her feel like an outsider." At that moment I made a promise to myself (think Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind) that "As God is my judge, I will never let Xena be treated that way by me again." That was a powerful moment in my life. I knew I had to overcome my own fears in order to live up to that statement.

What I learned from having to face my fears was that I WAS THE ONE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH ME (DUH!). No one was more homophobic about the situation than Gabrielle. It forced me to look back on WHY I had these feelings. Between good introspection, Xena, and a bit of professional objectivity I began to understand that basically I was afraid of rejection for things that were out of my control. Solution, live the life that makes me happy and let the chips fall where they may. The surprise ending to this story is that things have worked out fine. I have not had the negative reaction to my relationship that I was expecting. In fact, I think people feel as if I am more willing to share who I really am with them which makes them more willing to want to be my friend or spend time with me. Who would have thunk it??

As I continue to struggle with feelings of embarrassment in my life, I try to step back from those feelings and work on focusing on liking and loving myself. If you do those things, the opinions of others can be put into perspective. Clearly, I will always care what others think about me. However, I will never again change my life or ask those I love to hide who they are. I want others to know that coming out is an EXTREMELY PERSONAL decision. There are no absolutes in this area. The only thing I can say is that on a personal level do not be embarrassed to be who you are. Love yourself and live the life you feel compelled to lead and happiness will follow.

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